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8-Bit Theater
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And now, a special New Year presentation!
Date Published December 31, 2004
Previous Comic Episode 496: A wizard did it...to himself.
Next Comic Episode 497: Set into Motion
Read Episode

Cast Appearing[]

Setting[]

On the set of a movie

Script[]

Intro[]

Bikke Hello, kiddies. Captain Bikke here to tell ya a little Christmas tale. Yarr.
Bikke T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the set, everyone was a-worry, everyone was a-fret.
Bikke The lights were all hung, and the cameras on stands, Characters in their places with scripts in their hands.
Bikke But something was missing from this scene, don'tyaknow, No special effects, no backdrops to show.
Bikke For they were not sent by e-mail, or even by post, No one knew what had happened, not even Meddros.
Bikke So now to this place, where tensions are a-teeter, I know take you to the set of our beloved 8-Bit Theater. Yarr.

Part 1[]

Black Mage is standing in front of a black background.
Fighter (Running up to Black Mage) Black Mage! Black Mage! Black Mage!
Black Mage Oh geez... What now?
Fighter I got a present for you! Open it!
Black Mage opens the present, revealing two magical staves connected by a chain.
Fighter It's Staff-Chucks! I made them for you myself 'cause you can't use swords.
Black Mage You're fuggin' kidding me. Sometimes, Fighter, you amaze me. Two magic staves on a chain?! How can you keep coming up with ideas this stupid?
Fighter It's a gift.
Black Mage (spinning the staff-chucks over his head) Magic is about skill and control. Not just slinging spells around like swords! What kind of useless, moronic--
Black Mage's eyes goes wide with shock, and he looks around. He then faces Fighter again and smiles.
Black Mage Aww... You shouldn't have.
Fighter You're welcome.
Director And cut!
Black Mage (drops character) I said it before, and I am saying it again... This is a stupid idea!
Fighter Yeah, I'm just not feeling the part without all the... you know, stuff.
Black Mage Fighter, you are the part. How do you feel like you aren't you?
Fighter Hmm... interesting. I suppose I do feel like me, I just don't feel like me being me in the part I am playing for this animation with me in it!
Beat
Black Mage My brain hurts.
Director Are you two finished? We have to have this by Christmas so extras or no extras it has to get done. Let's bring in the new sets and try it again.
A backdrop is pushed into view. It's poorly done and looks like a crayon doodle.
Black Mage Who the heck made these!? Fighter?!?!
Director I, Um... maybe.

Part 2[]

Director Now, everyone quiet! Let's take it from the top!
The scene fades out, then back in.
Fighter (Running up to Black Mage, speaking in a bored, tired voice) Black Mage! Black Mage! Black Mage!
Black Mage (bored voice) Oh geez... What now?
Fighter (bored voice) I got a present for you! Open it!
Black Mage opens the present, revealing two magical staves connected by a chain.
Fighter (bored voice) It's Staff-Chucks! I made them for you (trails off) Made them for you myself 'cause you can't use swords.
Black Mage (bored voice) You're fuggin' kidding me. Sometimes, Fighter, you amaze me. Two magic staves on a chain?! How can you keep coming up with ideas this stupid?
Fighter (bored) It's a gift.
Black Mage (spinning the staff-chucks over his head. As he does so, the backdrop falls over.) Magic is about skill and control. Not just slinging spells around like swords! What kind of useless, moronic--
Black Mage's looks around.
Black Mage Aww... You shouldn't have.
Fighter (yawns) You're welcome.
Director And cut! That was great! That was excellent! That... that... (gives up) You're right, this blows. I give up! I quit! (starting to break down) It just isn't the same without the proper sets. (voice fading) I should have listened to my mother and become a hairdresser...

Part 3[]

Fighter And I still didn't feel the part.
Black Mage You know what, Fighter? I've got something you can feel... Hard, cold st--
A sexy stagehand walks past, and Black Mage cuts himself off, staring at her. White Mage's hammer suddenly flies in and nails Black Mage in the head. White Mage enters.
White Mage Stop staring at her icon!
Black Mage But it's right there!
Fighter What's with the ladder?
White Mage She's gone to rescue Black Belt. He's gotten stuck up in the Christmas tree.
Stagehand (offscreen) Oh for...! Where'd he go now?!
Thief (enters from the left) Does anybody know what happened to the real backgrounds?
Stagehand (pops in from the right) Somebody got carried away playing "Dance Dance Revolution" and forgot all about it!
Thief Dance Dance Revolution... even its very name speaks of discord, upheaval, and dissent. (A moon appears behind Thief, and a howl is heard) A movement that has plagued whole nations; nay... the entire world... and she can't stop playing it for five minutes to get these damn backgrounds? But wait- is she not contracted to me for life?
Thief runs off
Black Mage Where did that moon come from?
White Mage And where did that howl come from?
Fighter Sorry, that was me.

Part 4[]

Fighter (turns around) Look! Garland brought cookies! (runs off excitedly) Whoo-hoo, cookies! I love cookies! Whoo-hoo, cookies!
Black Mage turns to White Mage and raises his eyebrows. White Mage raises her hand, catching her hammer. Black Mage turns and follows Fighter, with White Mage following him.
Bat (flies in from the left) Makeup! I need makeup!
Director (enters from the right) What, who, where-- Hey! You aren't even in this scene!
Bat Yeah, I know, but when I woke up this morning, I felt all dry and leathery.
Director You're a bat! You are supposed to be leathery!
Bat Can I help it if I like to look pretty?
Director Yeah, pretty... Pretty stupid!
Bat Yeah, well...
The bat stammers for a while, then flies into the Director's face. The bat is then sent flying offscreen to the left.

Part 5[]

The screen pans left to show Garland, Fighter, Black Mage, and White Mage around a catering table. Thief enters, holding a contract.
Thief Okay, I found it! In Subsection 323-B, in reference to sets: Sets, hereafter referred to as the property, must be delivered to the job site, accounted for and in good order, etcetera, etcetera, by the contracted supplier, in this case, Kim. If the property are not supplied in a timely and proficient manner (IE: to my liking) then the supplier will be held accountable for all costs, bills, shipping, handling, port tax, poll tax, duty charges, weight encumbrance, GST, PST, FFT and MSG, skill point loss, missed saving throws, and hit points... And I am never letting Red Mage help me write these again. So, in a nutshell Kim owes us, we must collect; Let's talk to my accountant. Brian!
Brian Clevinger is sitting at his computer clicking the mouse. He suddenly looks up, and around, then suddenly disappears, then appears in front of Thief. He gets an annoyed look on his face, turns around, and freezes Thief solid with an ice spell. He then disappears. Thief then breaks out of the ice, looking like a snowman.
Thief Brr! The Thieves' Almanac didn't say anything about me getting my assets frozen.
Red Mage (walks in from the right) ...I think he was near leveling up again in World of Warcraft, and you interrupted him. (walks over to the table)
Thief Then I guess it's all up to me... right after I've had a cookie!
Thief bounces over to the table. Black Belt then walks up, somehow on the ceiling.
Black Belt Am I too late? You guys saved me some cookies, right? I like the marzipan thingies the best.
White Mage Um... Yes....... Here.
White Mage tosses up a cookie, which Black Belt catches.
Black Belt Hey, great! Thanks! Merry Christmas, everybody!
Fighter How are you doing that?
Black Belt Doing what?
White Mage You're standing on the ceiling!
Black Belt I'm not on the ceiling; you all are.
All Huh?!
Everyone else screams as they, the table, and the Christmas tree fall upwards. The screen fades out.
Black Belt Oh, silly me. If I'm not on the ceiling, then what's this chandelier doing here?
Fighter Huh?
Everyone is heard screaming as they crash back to the floor.
Meanwhile, elsewhere...
Fade in on Kim playing Dance Dance Revolution. The screen suddenly turns off, and she looks around.
Lawninja Law Ninjas, attack!
The lawninjas charge the woman. The screen shifts to "Happy Holidays" as swords slicing is heard.

Trivia[]

  • This comic was originally a Shockwave Flash animation, but it is no longer viewable on the website.
  • The scene Fighter and Black Mage were acting out was the one from Christmas '03 Special So Brian Can Rest.
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