Emerson Wild
Monster Hunter
Has he teased you yet?
Has he teased you yet?
Date Published Wednesday July 29th 2009
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Emerson Wild introduces himself.

Cast Appearing[]


  • A house
  • An apartment?

Running time[]

Four minutes, thirty-eight seconds


Emerson Wild sits down on a sofa in a dimly lit room with goggles on. He takes off the goggles and places it on his forehead.
Emerson Wild OK. You've got your busters, you've got your slayers, you've got your hunters. I'm a hunter. More specifically, a licensed monster hunter.
Scene changes to Emerson running down the side of a house.
Emerson Wild Lady, lady, no, stop. What are you- (holds a badge in front of the camera.) OK. Look at this. See this? This is a badge to hunt monsters, alright. (He puts his thumb over the expiry date, which was Feb. 12, 2005.) Do you have one of these? Because I do. Alright?
Cut back to the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild Kind of... licensed... monster hunter. Yeah, alright? I-i-it's true. A lot of people don't believe in monsters. That's fine, that's fine. I mean, a lot of people thought slavery was OK. That wasn't very right now, was it? (second-thoughts his statement) OK, the point is... believe it, don't believe it, I don't care. Just make sure your cheque clears...
Cut to outside a house. Emerson is sitting down drinking Jones Soda while a monster is struggling and making noises in a black bin bag. A British Bulldog walks across the screen.
Emerson Wild (narration) ...when I rescue your snotty cry-face, when your dog's been eaten by an upright two-legged digester. Then tell me what you believe in.
Emerson Wild SHUT UP!
Emerson hits the monster with the glass bottle.
Cut back to the dimly-lit room.
Emerson Wild You gotta show the utmost professionalism when you're on the job. Right, when you're cold-called, it could literally be anything. Anything. I mean, a monster made out of teeth... a-and a brain-sucking leech who can see into the future. And you've gotta be ready for it. For all of it. That's what a monster hunter's gear's for.
Cut to outside a house. Emerson puts his goggles on his forehead, puts on a leather jacket and connects a belt around his waist. He cleans his right ear with a cotton bud and loads up his gun. He turns on an LED flashlight above his chest then strikes a pose. He holsters his gun, but accidentally shoots it, making him jump.
Cut back briefly to the dimly-lit room.
Emerson Wild A well-calibrated pair of monster hunting goggles...
Cut to inside a house. While Emerson is talking in the background, the monster hunter, wearing the goggles, looks around the corner to see a mask. Surprised at first, he takes his goggles up and touches the mask to see that it is not a monster, then shrugs it off and puts the goggles back on.
Emerson Wild (narration) ...can see a fully-veiled monster twenty metres away, fifty if there are no walls.
Cut back briefly to the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild These lenses are... sick.
Cut back to the house. The camera is looking through the goggles as Emerson looks around the room.
Emerson jumps around a corner to look in a dark area of the room, gun in his hand
He looks under a bed.
Cut to a bathroom, which Emerson explores.
Then he looks though a cupboard in the kitchen.
He looks through a wardrobe next.
Cut back to under the bed, where Emerson finishes looking.
At the bathroom, he pulls up the toilet seat only to quickly jump back and gets out out of the room.
Emerson Wild Ohhh, God.
Cut to the kitchen. Emerson picks up a cereal box and examines it, putting his gun on the side.
Cut to the wardrobe. He puts on a cowboy hat and strikes some poses with his gun.
Cut to the kitchen. Emerson is now eating the cereal.
Cut to the bathroom. Emerson cautiously pulls up the toilet seat again and drops it, walking out.
Emerson Wild No!
Back in the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild And whether it's as tiny as your standard shadow sneak, or a seven-hundred pound of pure hate made real.
Cut to the kitchen. Emerson puts away the cereal box in the cupboard.
Emerson Wild (narration) Whatever your monster problem is, my gun's got a bullet for it.
Still in the kitchen, a nearby monster starts growling at Emerson. The monster hunter sees it and slowly lifts his goggles. The monster makes some more gurgling noises. Emerson looks at his gun which is near the monster.
Cut back to the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild And regardless of your weapons, or your gadget packages, the most powerful weapon, by far in a monster hunter's arsenal, is his ability to keep complete control of the situation.
Cut to the house. Emerson start leaning towards his gun. The monster starts hissing at him.
Cut to outside the house. The monster is on top of Emerson as he runs around screaming.
Emerson Wild Ahhhhhhhh!
Cut back to the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild It's not a job for everybody, but it is my job. I mean, who's going to take care of this crap? You?
Cut to a previous scene where Emerson is still hitting the monster in the bin bag with his bottle.
Cut to a previous scene outside the house. Emerson is examining his gun, then shoots it in the air, startling him.
Cut to the scene where Emerson is still running around with the monster on his back.
Emerson Wild God, get off me!
Back to the dimly lit room.
Emerson Wild No. I don't think so.
Eric (offscreen) What in Christ's name are you talking about?
A man named Eric is on the other side of the room.
Eric Everything you just said was amazingly stupid. Are you retarded?
Emerson Wild What?
Eric It had absolutely nothing to do with what I asked you. What I asked you was why is the lobster chewing on my shoe!?
Pan down to the monster chewing on the man in green's shoe.
Emerson Wild Oh, wh- he-er-
Eric Lookit, he's gnawing... awww, and he smells like your bathwater, man!
Emerson Wild He was, er, he was in a cage-
Eric And there was the...the thing about slavery. What, what were you saying about slavery? It's like, what? Do you believe in slavery? You're a racist, aren't you?
Emerson opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off.
Cut to black. The words "Emerson Wild Monster Hunter" appear before cutting back to the previous scene.
Eric Ohhhhh!
Fade to black. The URL is shown on screen.