8-Bit Theater
Episode 246
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The Big House
Date Published Thursday February 6th, 2003
Previous Comic Episode 245: Wheels Within Wheels
Next Comic Episode 247: Early to Bed, Early to Destruction
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I think Black Mage might just slightly have some small issues.

Cast Appearing[]



The background is entirely black with speech bubbles.
And lo, the Light Warriors did spend the night in jail.
Trapped with the most brutally violent and unbalanced wastes of protein that society could muster, the night was to be a trial of their mettle...
Voice I know you can hear me, pretty boy. Do you know what I do to pretty boys?
I hurts 'em! I make them scream. I make them die.
I've got a crude stabbing implement right here with your name all over it.
You won't last the night, pretty boy. That's my guarantee to you.
I'm gonna do it as soon as you're asleep too. I can wait.
Do you think you can last all night, boy? It's been a long day. I know you've gotta be damn tired.
And the thing about these slabs is they are the most uncomfortable beds you will ever know all your days.
And I know what you're thinking. I do. You think that cold slab of a bed won't ever let you sleep.
But that's how it gets ya.
They're so hard and flat and godawful that they make a man tired just thinking about 'em.
It'll suck the strength right outta you and you'll never know it.
It's the soundest sleep a man can have. And still be breathin', that is.
And that's what I'll be waiting for.
That's what I'll be listening for, that little change in the tempo of your breath. That's how I will know you're asleep.
I don't know what I'd do then.
Maybe I'd just wait.
Maybe I'd lie here and listen to you draw breath.
Maybe I'd take a step closer to you with your every breath.
You could be your very own metronome of death.
Maybe I'd choke the life out of you.
Maybe I'd suffocate you with my pillow.
No, no, who am I kidding? We both know what I want to do.
I can't resist the knife.
So sleek, so sharp, so silent.
I wonder, will I do it slow or fast?
On the one hand , I'd love for you to feel every inch of metal slowly pierce your skin and then rip your belly asunder.
Just the thought of it puts a smile on my face.
Not that you can see it.
But on the other hand, there's nothing quite so satisfying as slitting a man's throat.
There's such a sinister beauty to the efficiency of it.
The pain of it would wake you up just in time to die.
There's suddenly a "click" as the lights turn on, revealing that Black Mage was the one talking.
Fighter I'm trying to sleep!
Black Mage Er... Sorry.