8-Bit Theater
Episode 259
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No Such Thing As Senseless Violence
Date Published March 11, 2003
Previous Comic Episode 258: There Will Be Blood Tonight
Next Comic Episode 260: More Dreadful than Marsh Cave?
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Cast Appearing[]


Elf Land, Guest Room


Red Mage Er, shouldn't we heal him?
Black Mage Why bother? He'll just do or say something to make me stab him again. This is the best for all of us. Trust me.
Black Mage (turns to Thief) Anyway, you were going to say something?
Thief Er, yeah. I know we came here looking for Matoya's crystal, but there's been a change of plan. I'll still help you guys find it, it's in my own best interests not to be ravaged by hellish mindbending nightmares for the rest of my life. But you've got to help me with something first.
Black Mage Got to? Got to? We don't got to do anything for you.
Red Mage I think he's recovering.
Fighter Erg...
Thief I don't want to get bogged down in technicalities, but...
Thief holds a copy of the contract in front of Black Mage with a "Thwip!"
Thief Technically, yes, you do.
Black Mage Blah blah, "The party of the fifth part, hitherheretoforeward hence referred to as 'Light Warriors' shall do whatsoever the party of the first part, Thief, commands, under any and all circumstances, real or imaginary, throughout the universe and all possible and impossible variations thereof for all perpetuity.
Fighter Not...quite...dead...
Black Mage I shouldn't have given Fighter my power of attorney.
Thief You really have no one to blame but yourself, y'know.
Black Mage Yeah, well...
Red Mage He's going to make it!
There's a splattering of blood behind Black Mage...
And now Fighter has a dagger stabbed into his head as well.
Black Mage There, problem solved.
Red Mage Oh, no, no, he's dead again.