8-Bit Theater
Episode 300
Wait, that's not how I remembered it...
Wait, that's not how I remembered it...
The House Always Wins
Date Published Thursday June 26, 2003
Previous Comic Episode 299: Trivial Matters
Next Comic Episode 301: Oops
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Seriously, the quality of this strip got really seedy after the whole retcon Thief causing a time paradox -- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY HAPPENED.

Cast Appearing[]


  • The King of Elfland's bedroom
  • A waiting crowd, outside Elfland's royal castle
  • Sarda's Kitchen
  • The space inbetween dimensional space
  • In the woods, some place in the Elfland region


Having defeated the nefarious Dark Elf plot to destroy the hallowed lands of Elf, the Light Warriors set out to return the recovered Crystal Eye of Matoya along with a formula for what Thief hoped would be the cure to his father's illness.
Thief is kneeling at the side of his father's bed. His father is lying face-down on top of it.
Thief I shall return with your cure, father. I have not forgotten my promise.
But the Elfland citizens were still standing around awaiting the ceremony of crowning.
Generic Elven Citizen Man, I don't have time for this.
Generic Elven Citizen I'm a busy elf. I've got places to go, people to act superior to, an elder-than-thou attitude to express.
Other Generic Elven Citizen Oh I know! Peopel think it's easy to perpetuate these Tolkein-esque stereotypes of haughty elves. In reality, it's very hard work.
Generic Elven Citizen Even if it does come quite naturally.
Other Generic Elven Citizen Which it does!
And lo, the elves did stand out there for quite a while because they were commanded by royal decree to be there until the close of the ceremonies. Maybe they blindly followed their leader and starved to death. Maybe they got bored and went home. Who cares? They're stupid elves!
What of the Light Warriors and their travels back to Human lands?

Theirs was no easy voyage. They faced challenges at every turn.

Ancient evils were slain, wrongs were righted, and bandits were scattered to the winds.

Many were their adventures in these days and the Light Warriors grew in power and reputation.

Songs of their exploits were spread by the bards of all the lands of the world.

An action shot of the Light Warriors, post-Class Change
Unfortunately, a Wizard in a far off land had been conducting causality experiments so he could develop a spell to eat his dinner without having to first prepare it.
Scene shifts to Sarda standing in his kitchen.
Sarda Why yes, as a high level wizard, I do feel justified expending so much time on such a trivial task.
Thanks for asking.
The resulting chronoplastic backlash rewrote most recent history.
A view from outside space of two dimensions colliding with one another.
As for the Light Warriors...
All this takes us back in the forest outside of Elfland....
Red Mage Does something seem... I don't know, different to you guys?
Black Mage Yeah.
But it also feels correct somehow. Like a horrible mistake was corrected in an instant.