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8-Bit Theater
Parting is such sweet sorrow…
Parting is such sweet sorrow…
The Epilogue
Date Published June 1st, 2010
Previous Comic Episode 1224: A Legend Is Born
Read Episode

Curtain call.

Cast Appearing[]

Settings[]

  • A restaurant themed after the Light Warriors (read: the Dark Warriors)
  • Elf Land
  • Unnamed backwater village, possibly the rebuilt (again) Melmond, the village from Episode 812, or a rebuilt (for the fourth time) Onrac, though there's no way to tell.

Script[]

Three years later...
White Mage enters a restaurant while the messenger is still being chased by Hank. Jeff and an old man in blue look on. The old man is wearing blue and is possibly the same one Fighter alluded to at the beginning of the series.
Inside, someone dressed as King Steve takes White Mage's cowl; one of cowl-hooks hangs a cowl resembling Latverian design
White Mage Thank you.
She looks around to see Matoya... or at least someone paid to dress as Matoya. Doctor Malpractice is at a table with Thief dummy and a waiter in a Bikke costume walks by juggling a tray of food.
Matoya (holding crystal ball) Destined or non?
White Mage sees Red Mage and Dragoon on a table holding menus.
White Mage Oh, I'm looking for-- Ah, there they are.
Matoya Very well.
The eatery is lined with Garland's motivational posters[1] as well as the mounted heads of two Werewolves and sprite-portraits of the Dark Warriors. Vilbert's mother is showing the Sulk the one of her son.
Red Mage You don't mind if we order, do you, White Mage?
White Mage (sitting down) Oh, go right ahead.
Dragoon I'll start with the Rat Tail soup.
Red Mage No. No, he won't.
Dragoon What? It sounds good.
Red Mage Uh, the Twelve Dragon Nachos. Get those instead.
Cut to the menu item.
TWELVE DRAGON NACHOS: Piled so high with toppings there's only room for nine on the plate.
Dragoon But I don't want nachos.
Red Mage Yes you do. You want that a lot more than the soup.
Dragoon Whatever. Nachos, but you're paying for them.
Red Mage (giving menu to Matoya) Gladly.
Dragoon And Lich's ribs. Extra bloody.
Matoya Very good.
Red Mage I'll have the Imp Surprise.
White Mage Chocobo Fettucine, please.
Matoya (writing down orders) Excellent choice. And to drink?
Dragoon Oh, just an Orb of Water for me.
Red Mage Goblin Punch, please.
White Mage Virgin Bloody Kary.
A server in full-armor Garland costume and tray gaits past.
White Mage First of all, Red Mage, thank you for seeing me.
Red Mage Why wouldn't I?
White Mage That whole thing where I used my influence with the Order of White Mages to prop up the Dark Warriors as the true saviors of the world.
Red Mage Oh, that.

(laughing) A trifle. It's having the adventure that's important, not who knows about it.
White Mage Still. I'd have understood.
Red Mage The past is past. Besides, I have my work now.
White Mage Your support group for lone survivors of secret societies? So, that's coming along then?
Red Mage (thumbs up) Membership doubled just this month!
Dragoon That was when I joined after I got back from the moon.
Red Mage Full disclosure, recruitment's hit a brick wall since then.

I'm not sure why. This world is teeming with insane cults just brimming over with inevitable self-destructive ideas. Tragic lone wolf figures should be coming out of the woodwork!
Dragoon I still say it's the name.
Red Mage (holds Dragoon) Look, we're sects buddies. Okay? That's not going to change.
At that moment Matoya arrived with the plate of nachos (whose toppings seem to be more nachos). She and White Mage give awkward looks.
The three start eating. In the background, the Garland staffer (or possibly Garland himself, judging by his ”surprise” FX) ushers Princess Sara and a cheerful Left Hand Man Gary. Sara is glowering at the Garland. Apparently, Red Mage can eat cleanly through his mouth covering.
Matoya starts picking up the plates.
Red Mage Really, White Mage. You don't have to do this.
White Mage Of course I do. It started with me, I have to end it too.
Red Mage Well, I haven't heard from them since Chaos. Have you talked to Thief?
White Mage I wasn't sure where to find him after he disappeared into Elf Land. And you know how isolationist they've become since the war. And then the wars after that.
Red Mage My advice? Try the palace.
Elf Land
The scene cuts to the tops of elven tree-buildings overlooking the mushroom-laden spire-like palace. Some Law Ninja are situated in the posts.
White Mage is at the bottom of the audience chamber while Thief sits on the throne on top.
Thief You will not kneel before the king of the Elven lands?
White Mage Thief. I healed your ass. Literally, your actual ass.
Thief zips close to White Mage.
Thief Hey, hey, hey! I'm a king now. You can't go around saying things like that. The treacherous viziers record everything.
White Mage Your viziers are treacherous?
Thief It's an elven court. It's all viziers and they're all assholes.
Cut to the two of them taking a walk in the woods. A giant is lurching about the background.
Thief I wish I could help you, but it's been years and my spies still haven't found anything.
White Mage You want to talk with them too?
Thief We have unfinished business.
White Mage Oh?
Thief It's complicated. On purpose. To obfuscate the reality of what they're signing over to me. Or, rather, what they should be signing over to me if I could find them.
White Mage Oh, Thief. You never change.
Thief What do you want with them anyway? I thought you hated--
White Mage I do.
But the council of White Mages has deigned to recognize the efforts of the Light Warriors which, circumlocutious though they were, led to the prophecy being fulfilled.

And as I began the quest to shepherd you four into your fate, it is mine to finish.
Thief This deigning. Is there gold in it?
White Mage You get a plaque.
Thief Gold plaques?
White Mage No, Thief.
Thief In that case, I'll let you know if my spies find anything.
White Mage Thank you.
Cut to Fighter and Black Mage in a backwater town (not unlike the one they montaged to once before), garbage bags strewn everywhere. Akbar is there and has set up a shop called Akbar's Not Useless Tools, selling a holed shovel to a farmer along with more not-useless tools in the back. The Mob Boss is standing on the right with a subordinate holding a Doin' Fine sign. We can see a bleeding Cultist on the far right between fence posts, with Dr. Unne holding a bloody knife not far behind.
Thief (out of frame) After I get the signatures.
White Mage (out of frame) Of course.
Black Mage We're lost. Again!
Fighter We're not lost. We just don't know where we are, or how we got here, or what day it is, or who these people are, or where our money is.
Black Mage (sarcastically) Oh, that's cool then. What was I worried about?
Fighter Exactly! We'll do a few quests from the job board and be back on our feet in no time!
Black Mage Judging by the smell of this place, the primary industry appears to be "crapping in the street."
Fighter Yeah, that's been taken.

Here's one! They're recruiting for something called SOLDIER.
Black Mage Lame.
Fighter The dukedom of Dollet is hiring mercenaries to repel Galbadian aggression.
Black Mage Somehow even lamer.
Fighter We could join the search for a missing Alexandrian princess.
Black Mage That could be interesting...
Fighter Ah, they've already got a Black Mage.
Oh, escorting a religious pilgrimage?
Black Mage I'd rather chew my own neck off.
The scene pans out away from the city.
Fighter We could find a few other adventurers and join the fight against Shadowlord.
Black Mage (Says a large amount of gibberish)
Fighter What'd you say?
Pan out to the entirety of the city...
Black Mage It's a spell for sitting on my ass reading a book for hours at a time. Next!
Fighter Eh. Everything after that sounds like a waste of time.
Black Mage I could've told you that.
Pans out to the beautiful scenery.
Fighter Y'know what we should do?
Black Mage Oh, this'll be good. What? What should we do?
Fighter We never did find that Armor of Invincibility...
The End

Trivia[]

  • There are many parallels that can be drawn between scene inside the restaurant and the Epilogue to DC's Kingdom Come in 1996 written by Mark Waid and uniquely (for a comic book) painted by Alex Ross.
  • This episode is the first, last, and only episode to NOT be drawn in a 8-bit form.
  • Among Akbar's Not Useless Tools are a pitchfork with a bent prong, a Gunblade and a Buster Sword.
  • In the last scene, Fighter has, in addition to his two broadswords on his back, the two katanas (labeled Slashy and Stabby) that he stole from Drizz'l ( Again, apparently) on his waist, which are now chained together.
  • The jobs Fighter lists off the board all come from the polygon-based Final Fantasy games (such as the SOLDIER program, Duchey of Dollet, an Alexandrian Princess, pilgrimage escort, and taking on Shadowlord). From this, the comment on everything else being a waste of time is likely an insult directed at games later in the series.
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