8-Bit Theater
The Epilogue
Parting is such sweet sorrow…
The Epilogue
Date Published June 1st, 2010
Previous Comic Episode 1224: A Legend Is Born
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Curtain call.

Cast AppearingEdit


  • A restaurant themed after the Light Warriors (read: the Dark Warriors)
  • Elf Land
  • Unnamed backwater village, possibly the rebuilt (again) Melmond, the village from Episode 812, or a rebuilt (for the fourth time) Onrac, though there's no way to tell.


Three years later...
White Mage enters a restaurant while the messenger is still being chased by Hank. Jeff and an old man in blue look on. The old man is wearing blue and is possibly the same one Fighter alluded to at the beginning of the series.
Inside, someone dressed as King Steve takes White Mage's cowl; one of cowl-hooks hangs a cowl resembling Latverian design
White MageThank you.
She looks around to see Matoya... or at least someone paid to dress as Matoya. Doctor Malpractice is at a table with Thief dummy and a waiter in a Bikke costume walks by juggling a tray of food.
Matoya(holding crystal ball) Destined or non?
White Mage sees Red Mage and Dragoon on a table holding menus.
White MageOh, I'm looking for-- Ah, there they are.
MatoyaVery well.
The eatery is lined with Garland's motivational posters[1] as well as the mounted heads of two Werewolves and sprite-portraits of the Dark Warriors. Vilbert's mother is showing the Sulk the one of her son.
Red MageYou don't mind if we order, do you, White Mage?
White Mage(sitting down) Oh, go right ahead.
DragoonI'll start with the Rat Tail soup.
Red MageNo. No, he won't.
DragoonWhat? It sounds good.
Red MageUh, the Twelve Dragon Nachos. Get those instead.
Cut to the menu item.
TWELVE DRAGON NACHOS: Piled so high with toppings there's only room for nine on the plate.
DragoonBut I don't want nachos.
Red MageYes you do. You want that a lot more than the soup.
DragoonWhatever. Nachos, but you're paying for them.
Red Mage(giving menu to Matoya) Gladly.
DragoonAnd Lich's ribs. Extra bloody.
MatoyaVery good.
Red MageI'll have the Imp Surprise.
White MageChocobo Fettucine, please.
Matoya(writing down orders) Excellent choice. And to drink?
DragoonOh, just an Orb of Water for me.
Red MageGoblin Punch, please.
White MageVirgin Bloody Kary.
A server in full-armor Garland costume and tray gaits past.
White MageFirst of all, Red Mage, thank you for seeing me.
Red MageWhy wouldn't I?
White MageThat whole thing where I used my influence with the Order of White Mages to prop up the Dark Warriors as the true saviors of the world.
Red MageOh, that.

(laughing) A trifle. It's having the adventure that's important, not who knows about it.
White MageStill. I'd have understood.
Red MageThe past is past. Besides, I have my work now.
White MageYour support group for lone survivors of secret societies? So, that's coming along then?
Red Mage(thumbs up) Membership doubled just this month!
DragoonThat was when I joined after I got back from the moon.
Red MageFull disclosure, recruitment's hit a brick wall since then.

I'm not sure why. This world is teeming with insane cults just brimming over with inevitable self-destructive ideas. Tragic lone wolf figures should be coming out of the woodwork!
DragoonI still say it's the name.
Red Mage(holds Dragoon) Look, we're sects buddies. Okay? That's not going to change.
At that moment Matoya arrived with the plate of nachos (whose toppings seem to be more nachos). She and White Mage give awkward looks.
The three start eating. In the background, the Garland staffer (or possibly Garland himself, judging by his ”surprise” FX) ushers Princess Sara and a cheerful Left Hand Man Gary. Sara is glowering at the Garland. Apparently, Red Mage can eat cleanly through his mouth covering.
Matoya starts picking up the plates.
Red MageReally, White Mage. You don't have to do this.
White MageOf course I do. It started with me, I have to end it too.
Red MageWell, I haven't heard from them since Chaos. Have you talked to Thief?
White MageI wasn't sure where to find him after he disappeared into Elf Land. And you know how isolationist they've become since the war. And then the wars after that.
Red MageMy advice? Try the palace.
Elf Land
The scene cuts to the tops of elven tree-buildings overlooking the mushroom-laden spire-like palace. Some Law Ninja are situated in the posts.
White Mage is at the bottom of the audience chamber while Thief sits on the throne on top.
ThiefYou will not kneel before the king of the Elven lands?
White MageThief. I healed your ass. Literally, your actual ass.
Thief zips close to White Mage.
ThiefHey, hey, hey! I'm a king now. You can't go around saying things like that. The treacherous viziers record everything.
White MageYour viziers are treacherous?
ThiefIt's an elven court. It's all viziers and they're all assholes.
Cut to the two of them taking a walk in the woods. A giant is lurching about the background.
ThiefI wish I could help you, but it's been years and my spies still haven't found anything.
White MageYou want to talk with them too?
ThiefWe have unfinished business.
White MageOh?
ThiefIt's complicated. On purpose. To obfuscate the reality of what they're signing over to me. Or, rather, what they should be signing over to me if I could find them.
White MageOh, Thief. You never change.
ThiefWhat do you want with them anyway? I thought you hated--
White MageI do.
But the council of White Mages has deigned to recognize the efforts of the Light Warriors which, circumlocutious though they were, led to the prophecy being fulfilled.

And as I began the quest to shepherd you four into your fate, it is mine to finish.
ThiefThis deigning. Is there gold in it?
White MageYou get a plaque.
ThiefGold plaques?
White MageNo, Thief.
ThiefIn that case, I'll let you know if my spies find anything.
White MageThank you.
Cut to Fighter and Black Mage in a backwater town (not unlike the one they montaged to once before), garbage bags strewn everywhere. Akbar is there and has set up a shop called Akbar's Not Useless Tools, selling a holed shovel to a farmer along with more not-useless tools in the back. The Mob Boss is standing on the right with a subordinate holding a Doin' Fine sign. We can see a bleeding Cultist on the far right between fence posts, with Dr. Unne holding a bloody knife not far behind.
Thief(out of frame) After I get the signatures.
White Mage(out of frame) Of course.
Black MageWe're lost. Again!
FighterWe're not lost. We just don't know where we are, or how we got here, or what day it is, or who these people are, or where our money is.
Black Mage(sarcastically) Oh, that's cool then. What was I worried about?
FighterExactly! We'll do a few quests from the job board and be back on our feet in no time!
Black MageJudging by the smell of this place, the primary industry appears to be "crapping in the street."
FighterYeah, that's been taken.

Here's one! They're recruiting for something called SOLDIER.
Black MageLame.
FighterThe dukedom of Dollet is hiring mercenaries to repel Galbadian aggression.
Black MageSomehow even lamer.
FighterWe could join the search for a missing Alexandrian princess.
Black MageThat could be interesting...
FighterAh, they've already got a Black Mage.
Oh, escorting a religious pilgrimage?
Black MageI'd rather chew my own neck off.
The scene pans out away from the city.
FighterWe could find a few other adventurers and join the fight against Shadowlord.
Black Mage(Says a large amount of gibberish)
FighterWhat'd you say?
Pan out to the entirety of the city...
Black MageIt's a spell for sitting on my ass reading a book for hours at a time. Next!
FighterEh. Everything after that sounds like a waste of time.
Black MageI could've told you that.
Pans out to the beautiful scenery.
FighterY'know what we should do?
Black MageOh, this'll be good. What? What should we do?
FighterWe never did find that Armor of Invincibility...
The End


  • There are many parallels that can be drawn between scene inside the restaurant and the Epilogue to DC's Kingdom Come in 1996 written by Mark Waid and uniquely (for a comic book) painted by Alex Ross.
  • This episode is the first, last, and only episode to NOT be drawn in a 8-bit form.
  • Among Akbar's Not Useless Tools are a pitchfork with a bent prong, a Gunblade and a Buster Sword.
  • In the last scene, Fighter has, in addition to his two broadswords on his back, the two katanas (labeled Slashy and Stabby) that he stole from Drizz'l ( Again, apparently) on his waist, which are now chained together.
  • The jobs Fighter lists off the board all come from the polygon-based Final Fantasy games (such as the SOLDIER program, Duchey of Dollet, an Alexandrian Princess, pilgrimage escort, and taking on Shadowlord). From this, the comment on everything else being a waste of time is likely an insult directed at games later in the series.
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