"Dear Red Mage, Oh, most revered Red Mage, I seek thine renowned wisdom. Fate has made me an adventurer of sorts, and to assist me in mine pursuits of glory and good I have taken companions both fair and strong. Alas, I find that there are multitudes of Clerics in my party, and must needs seek thy council in matters of our strength. The gambit from Cleric-Fighter to Cleric-Mage we run (though tempered also with the strength of two who's aptitude is in the sword). What enemies should we seek, oh wise one, and how best should we prepare for those that come upon us unbidden? I thank you for this help, great red mage, and may the bards sing your praises for ever! --Kestrel Hammer-wielder"

Yea! And forsoothe!! Toe answere youe ine ae prithee mannere ande…uh…huzzah! Bye youre troth! And a hey nonny nonny! Yondere forsoothe clericse be yammerin’ and a jibberin and a jabberin! Ie think thee needest to cream them one in the kisser…um…touche’!

"Dear Red Mage,
I have a few questions for you. First of all, what do you think is the best character class in Dungeons andDragons? In addition, what's your personal favorite? Second, what is the best/your favorite race in D&D;?Third, if one were to attempt to create a Red Mage style PC, what class(es) and race would it be, andwhat skills/feats would it know? Finally, I have a question about Final Fantasy 1. What do you believe tobe the best party to choose?
Your loyal fan,


What’s with all the questions? Why so nosey? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? I KNOW YOUR SECRETS! YOU’LL NEVER GET TO ME! I’ve already lined my red hat (+5 Hat of Style) with tinfoil (+3 against Mind effects)! The secret of my favorite edition dies with me! Better luck next time you government stooge.

"I eagerly await your sage advice.
Greetings Red Mage, recently a friend and I were having a spirited debate about which school of magic is ultimately more powerful; he preferred healing White Magic, while I prefer commanding the undead with Necromancy. I argued that a Necromancer can restore a fallen comrade to mobility with more ease than a White Mage, while he pointed out that a White Mage can bring said comrade back to true life instead of an unholy rotting mockery of living. Since it seemed unlikely that we would ever see eye to eye, I killed him, reanimated his corpse, and forced it to agree with me. My question is: what do you recommend doing about the smell?
Pete, Commander of the Undead"


Febreeze. Febreeze solves everything.

"Oh mighty master of the 3rd Edition. Dazzle us with you're amazingly pointless knowledge and show us the true path: How would you gear a lowly 4-person party to defeat a Tarrasque?
Horrendously undermanned RPers Anon"

Febreeze. Febreeze solves everything.

"Dear Red Mage
My problem is this - when we last ended the adventure session, we were in a dilemma. To our right was none other than John Stamos of TV's 'Full House.'
To our left, the Kool-Aid man, wielding a barbaric spoon/Morningstar weapon, possibly a +4, Keen, Vorpal spoon/Morningstar weapon. In front and behind us are portculli and stone walls, easily 80 feet in the air, slicked with, what was told to us, the 'blood of a thousand virgins and one dog.' We shall avenge the dog.
My party consists of myself, a human Sorcerer, a dwarven Fighter, an elven Ranger and a human cleric. All I have left in my spells per day is one (1) magic missile. The fighter and ranger are busy bickering over who gets the +1 Gem of Obvious Destruction found moments ago. The Cleric has lost all hope and is knitting a burial shroud. What should we do?
Spelling Certain Doom"

Point to the wall behind John Stamos and scream “There are thirsty kids behind that wall!” that should solve all of your problems.

"Dear Red Mage,
I need help, and it seems only your advice can save me. I began playing D&D; 4 years ago with a terrific DM, however, 2 years ago he left for college and I was DMless. A friend of mine said that she could DM pretty well, and so I began a campaign with her as a DM. My main character (each of us controlled about 3, since there are only 2 of us), was a barbarian. The only thing is, every one of her characters (including a thief and a cleric), can fight better than my barbarian, and all of her characters can shoot better than my archer. I'm sick of her godly characters showing my pathetically weak characters up. How can I make her realize that it's really unfair without hurting her feelings? And how can I gain back my respect for what was once such a fun game?
Fed up with D&D;"

Not hurt her feelings? I don't think I understand the question. Start making snide comments anytime one of her characters hits. Like so:

Her: Ok, the archer hits. You: Of course he does. Her: I'm sorry, what was that? You: Oh, I was just pointing out how unimpressed I was that Hawkeye there managed to hit my gnome that was in 3/4 cover, at night, dressed in black, and not moving. Clearly it was my fault for not stating clearly enough that I had put on my ring of invisibility. Her: Are you trying to say something? You: Just that we apparently wandered into ninja archer territory and that I'd like to leave as soon as I can with as little incident as possible.
Hopefully if you keep this level of detached exasperation up, she'll get the hint.

"Dear Red Mage:
Who would win in a fight: Hitler or Napoleon? My moneys on Napoleon.

K. S."

Napoleon was just a short French guy who couldn't stop scratching his belly. Hitler was a tall German obsessed with perfection. Hitler has the height advantage as well. And, Napoleon, being French, would surrender at the first opportunity. Furthermore, you must remember that Germans are hate-based, not carbon based like you or I, so Hitler also has the Rage™. As much hate mail as I’m going to get, I have to endorse Hitler.

"Dear Red Mage,
I entered paper & pencil gaming with what turned out to be an amazing head for rules, names, stats, & math. Picture-clear memorization of any noteworthy sentence is my specialty. I, of course, have been involved in numerous technical arguments, of which I have won every time. However, people tend to forget my track record, and do not hesitate to second guess any quote that I make. My question is, how do you imbue your fellow players with a true sense of your superiority?
Unrecognized Superior"

They’re jealous of your obvious superiority. They’re jealous of you and they plot against you. They’re plotting right now. You need to subtly let them know that you’re on to them. Don’t make it too obvious; just drop a few tiny hints that you’re not going to let the plotting continue.
Step one is to buy an axe.
Then carve the words “murderin’ axe” into the handle. Start bringing it to the games. If they ask why you have an axe, tell them it’s for “chopping down trees, duh.” Refuse to answer any more questions on the subject. From then on, every time they question you, calmly make your point while tapping the head of the “murderin’ axe”. Eventually they should get the point.